Today Ellie ripped off her diaper, pooped on my bedroom floor, and dug through her poop with Luke’s toothbrush.

I didn’t take any pictures.

You’re welcome.

Sometimes I yell at my kids.

After I do, I always hate myself.

I don’t want to yell at my kids, I try not to yell at my kids, but sometimes I am weak.

It usually happens when I am trying to work, there are crumbled gold fish all over my floor, my laundry is higher than Amy Winehouse, I haven’t showered, every step I take lands my foot on a lego, and my 2-year-old is screaming because her older brother won’t share.

That is usually the point that I get weak.  I feel suffocated by my responsibilities.  

Don’t get me wrong I want all of those responsibilities, I respect them and hold my role as a mother in the highest regard, I just get overwhelmed when I feel like I am utterly failing.

Then I yell.

It’s not their fault.

I think I’ve heard it called the “Kick the Dog Syndrome.”  

I feel disappointed in myself so I take it out on my children.  Trust me when I say that I understand how wrong that is.  I really do, and please don’t think that I am constantly berating and screaming at my offspring, the vast majority of the time, I keep my cool.  I am ashamed of the minority of the time.    

On Friday I found myself reaching my boiling point, then I happened upon some pictures of Haiti. 

I call that PERSPECTIVE.

I feel buried in my  responsibilities.  I feel overwhelmed. . . perspective.

I can’t imagine what those poor people are going through.  As I was looking at some of the pictures from Haiti on my computer, I was worried that my oldest son (6) would catch a glimpse of them and be emotionally damaged.  Then I thought about the kids there who are living in the pictures.  They aren’t seeing those heart wrenching images on a computer screen from some far distant place, that is their reality.  They are the images.  Their family members, their playmates, their teachers, they are  the mass graves and the lifeless bodies on the side of the road.

Their mothers aren’t feeling overwhelmed because of laundry.

How shallow am I?

Today I’m not going to yell at my kids.  I am going to hug them and constantly remind them how much they are loved.  I am going to remind myself that while they may be making messes and fighting over broken toys, I am blessed.  I know where my kids are.  They are safe under my roof.  My roof which still stands safely over my head.

Perspective.

I hope that all of you had a wonderful Christmas!  Ours was great.  The day was somewhat relaxed, and the kids were spoiled rotten.  I really do love Christmas.  However, I also despise the aftermath. 

You see, I work from home, on the computer for up to 6 hours a day.  While I am working, my kids enjoy playing with each other, and the harder they play, the messier the house gets.  That’s typical, Christmas or no Christmas, but the joy of Christmas seems to have left a large amount of extra clutter in my life. 

Our 12ft Christmas tree is making me claustrophobic.  The once beautiful and majestice symbol of life everlasting is now a giant dust and clutter collector. 

The toys the kids were so excited to open on Christmas morning have now been poked, prodded, and abused leaving some of them broken or neglected after only a short stay at our home.  My boys got two giant boxes of legos.  I love the concept of legos.  I love that they require critical thinking, imagination, and fine motor skills, but I loathe the little pieces that end up all over the house only to be stepped upon by an unsuspecting barefoot. 

The packages once wrapped in fancy paper with lovely bows, adding to the festive decor of  our home are now piled up sky high in the corner of my kitchen.  Just sitting there.  Waiting for my wonderful husband to take the time to send them to their resting place-far away from my kitchen.

The delicious handmade treats that my friends and neighbors so graciously brought to our home as a symbol of love are now crumbs on my kitchen floor.

And finally, all of the lovely Christmas decor I have been working so hard to collect throughout my adult life  just adds to my list of things I have to dust.

I think I’m going crazy! 

I really make an effort to have the Christmas Spirit.  There are so many wonderful things that accompany this time of year, but now, I want my house back.

Today my mom is making the 20 minute drive up to my house to help me package all of my Christmas decor in their boxes where they’ll be stored and eagerly awaiting their appearance in 2010.  When that time comes, I will be so happy to see them that I will giggle with joy.  But now, be gone with you!  All of you!